Funny Last Words

When someone gets hurt in real life it is a tragidy. When they get hurt in the movies it is hillarious. Then why are some peoples last words so funny...

• 'Are you sure the handbrakes on?' - Russell Coight Snr
• 'Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him' - John Barrymore (Actor)
• 'That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted' - Lou Costello (Comedian)
• 'Why do you weep. Did you think I was immortal?' - Louis XIV
• 'They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...' - John Sedgwick (General)

I just love 'em. Some arn't so funny as 'tragic,' so here are some that didn't really happen and were just made up:

• Pull the pin and count to what?
• Don’t worry it has airbags.
• The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
• What duck?

Another post of mine mentions Funny Insulting Quotes.

Categories: Humour

5 Ways to make people hate you

Throughout life most people aim to make friends, not lose them. But I felt that being different is a good thing, being an individual. From this I decided to be myself, and step away from the cultural barriers of our society, and in turn, away from friendship. This compelled me to make this list. A list to make people hate you.

1. Insults - These are a great way to get peoples backs up, and to dislike you from the onset. A great ice-breaker. I have previously written about some good insults.


2. Embarrassment - If you do something really embarrass to or in front of someone, rather than see it as being funny, they will usually be inclined to distance themselves from you. If this is used constantly it is a great starting point in our goal. However, some people may find this funny and like you because of it.


3. Annoyance - This can be achieved through a variety of means, from practical jokes, to asking obvious questions, and all the way through paying too much attention to the one person.


4. Jealousy - By this stage the person who you are working on should be quite frustrated with you, so just to push them over the edge, try to insight jealousy into them, through either completely ignoring them, or being better than them in whatever they try to accomplish.


5. Physical - This does not mean beating them to a bleeding pile on the ground, but simple prodding and poking will do just as good.

I do not accept any responsibility for violence against you for using this technique. I also do not accept responsibility for you losing your friends through this method. I accept no responsibility for this post affecting anybody in any way.

Categories: Misc, Humour

Replacement - Grass from the Depths of Hell!

Thanks to Question of the Day I found an interesting meme about grass. The actual question is:

• "The year is 2050, having a grass lawn is a thing of the past. What has replaced the green stuff?"

The strange thing is that I have been contemplating this very question before hand as I had nothing better to do. The reason for this is that we have a huge lawn which takes a lot of water to keep alive, and then it has to be mowed. How I loath mowing...

But I am being sidetracked. The answer that I felt would work best to this intriging question is: a concrete slab. Although it probably won't look or feel as good, it is much more practical. No watering, no mowing, and a variety of other activities can be used on it, eg. Tennis, Basketball, and a number of other sports. To me, this outweighs the material appeal of grass. If mowing is gone forever, then I will not miss the sight of millions of tiny leaves poking up from the depths of hell.

Categories: Meme, Misc

The first Rugby League match in Australia used Union rules

I was reading through Australian Sport through time today I and found a remarkable section in 1907. Apparently Rugby league had arrived in Australia, and professional teams had been set up. On the 18th August a match was held between NSW and the All Blacks, except they were forced to use 15-a-side rules rather than the new 13-a-side, because the rule books had not arrived from England.

Yes, the shocking postage system changed the history of Rugby League, and of Australia, for ever. Instead of being a dramatic leap into this new code of football, it was a gradual transition. Not so impressive after all. Yet, I suppose that most sports evolved from others, and League seems to be no exception.

Categories: Sport

Bushfire Season

The summer months in Australia always bring bushfires with them. In the past few years there have been Canberra fires, and Sydney fires, just to time the ones near major cities. And once more, they are back, with a vengeance!!!

Bushfires are a part of life in Australia for thousands of years. Plants have adapted to them so much, that many cannot germinate unless there is fire to open the seeds. In todays society they are a matter of life and death. Houses are often burnt down, and millions of dollars in damage are recorded every year. Annually fires enter major cities, or at least destroy thousands of hectares of surrounding farms, and bushland.

Luckily most children are taught at an early age about the dangers of fire, and most adults have general knowledge in the prevention of them, from fire breaks to cleaning gutters. And they are not called Wild Fires! Most rural communities have a fire fighting unit, usually made up of volunteers. It is because of this preparation and prevention that large numbers of deaths do not occur, thankfully.

Categories: Fires, Australia, Events

Favourite Foods

One of the questions that I am frequently asked is 'What is your favourite food?' (along with 'What is your favourite movie/song?' and 'Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my house?') I have usually just babbled off a random food that I enjoy, but not my favourite. This got me thinking... what food do I enjoy more than any others ever?

This is an intense question. Honestly, I enjoy all foods, but there is a distinct group that is above all else. But I still had to choose a favourite. To do this I implemented a selection of categories: taste, enjoyment, and rarity. Naturally taste is the most important factor, but the others are not far behind. Enjoyment includes the feeling of delight whenever the food is seen, let alone tasted. And finally rarity. This is important because when a food is eaten constantly, it begins to become common place and does not have that special appeal, and in turn losses its enjoyment.

Taste
Three foods are being tested today from my personal favourites collection: Pavlova (a meringue cakey substance, that is 90% sugar), potatoes (any kind, and any way of cooking, from potato bake to chips), and the humble steak. Of these three the taste is remarkably different, and yet all are extremely good. Pavlova is a sugary delight, especially with strawberries sprinkled on top, but the versatility of potatoes and their variety of styles make it hard to beat. The steak is also up there, particularly when well cooked: that melt in your mouth feeling. In the category of taste, their is no clear winning.

Enjoyment
Pavlova makes a feeling deep inside that is hard to beat. The anticipation before hand, the enjoyment during, and the bliss after. Potatoes are also enjoyable, but not to the extent of pav. Neither is a steak. While they taste great, the appeal is simply not there. 9 times out of 10, I would choose a pavlova over the other two.

Rarity
For sure, the rarest item would be the Pavlova. Usually I only have it for Christmas lunch or some other special occasion. Steak and potatoes are a staple diet, and are always eaten at least once a week. Under the category of rarity, Pavlova is definitely the winner.

The Verdict
The winner of 2 categories, and tied first in another, makes the winner of my favourite foods awards.... *drum roll*.... Pavlova! Don't feel bad steak and potatoes, I still think your awesome, but you simply cannot compare to a pav.

Categories: Life, Misc

Funny New Year Resolutions

With the new year having arrived, many people have made and are trying to keep different resolutions, eg. stop smoking/drinking. But some people are strange, and their resolutions in turn are different, and by different I mean funny!

• I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up - Slinky City


• In some cultures what I do would be considered normal - Humour Matters


• I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain

I realize that some of those above are not 'resolutions' exactly, but they do show what people are really thinking at this time of year.

Categories: Humour